Day 18: What is the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
First, let me say that the people involved in this issue are NOT members of my family (thank God). Second, the guilty parties are either long gone or long dead. Third, if you are ultra sensitive, you might want to read a different post. Maybe something more
upbeat.
When I got into recovery and started working the 12 steps, I found it very hard to forgive all the sexual damage that was done to me. Rest assured, I kept my virginity through it all, but I had to fight tooth and nail to keep it. I've been molested and nearly raped several times. I had my first (and last) kiss ruined in college by some numb nut who thought I would like it if he tried to shove his tongue down my throat--I didn't want or ask to be kissed in the first place. I've had other forms of perverse sexual behavior forced on me (a rather graphic incident at a swimming pool when I was nine comes to mind--I'll not write it here).
Well, if you kept your virginity, what's the problem?
It's a problem because now, at 41 years old, I am damaged goods. People often ask me why at this late age--like I'm old or something--that I'm not married, or at least dating and looking. Here's why; no man in his right mind should be subjected to all my junk. Good men--not lazy, trifling, sorry, thuggish men--are tired of needy, damaged women. It's not fair to subject them to such nonsense. He would need to go through a 12 step program to date me. No kidding! I have so many fears surrounding sexuality and relationships. Some of my hangups about this are why I've been obese for so long. I was afraid that a man would find me attractive...
Can I tell you a secret? My most hated cuss word is the "F" word. I don't like profanity--real profanity not southern cussin' (that's different)-- but I often wondered why that one word sends shockwaves through my nervous system. Of all things, a TV program brought it out. Craig Ferguson was doing an interview with Stephen Fry. Both men are from Great Britain. They were commenting on the differences in US television and programming in the UK. Mr. Fry made mention of the "F" word and said he didn't understand the censorship of the word on network television in the United States. After all, in his reasoning, the word simply meant "intercourse" or "copulation," which to him were beautiful things, and of course, Mr. Ferguson agreed. Sorry gentlemen, not to me. Yes, the word is a slang word for sex, but to me that act is only in the context of rape or a man taking from a woman that which has not been offered. It is a man trying to prove his manhood by overpowering a woman and forcing her to do his will. There's nothing beautiful about that. So there is a Late Late Show episode that had me crying with something other than laughter.
...So, if a man found me physically attractive, he would simply take from me what he wanted and go. Now, do you understand why forgiving was so hard? These males (I refuse to call them men) stole a lot from me. They stole my dignity and my right to be a woman and act like a lady instead of a scared little wannabe tomboy. For a while, they removed my trust of men. They took some of my innocence away and replaced it with terror and dysfunction. They stole any hope I have of acceptance. In our society, it's unacceptable to be
older than 30 and unmarried. They pilfered my children and my mom's grandchildren, thus a lot of potential happiness.
I put on weight thinking that maybe that would deter potentially lecherous goobers. No luck. The heavier I got, the more it seemed to happen. (!!) Now, I care more about my health than the goobers. I most likely can outrun the goobers. If not, I can always to Madea on them! Or better yet, Bon Qui Qui--I will CUT you!
My forgiveness was NOT for their benefit, but mine. My anger at them was hurting me, not them. My excess weight was killing me, not them. I didn't forgive simply because God said to; I did it because He knows that forgiveness is what brings healing. Bitterness is deadly. I heard Joyce Meyer say that harboring unforgiveness was like drinking poison hoping that the other person would die. Doesn't work, does it?
