I am thinking... that I seriously need help...and not in a good way either.
I am thankful... that I actually finished a 5k Saturday and lived. I'm also thankful that the University of Alabama won their game against Texas A&M despite the horrid calls from the officials and the constant "Manziel cam." Barf.
In the kitchen... I need to go to the grocery store and restock, but nothing seems right. It seems lately no matter what I eat (or don't eat), I'm making no progress. I'll have several days of good clean eating, then all hell breaks loose and one meal of indiscretion sends me right back to step one. Feels like all my menu choices are "damned if you do" and "damned if you don't."
I am wearing... workout clothes.
I am creating... A couple of paintings, wreaths, and baby blankets.
I am going... stark raving MAD!
I am wondering... what’s next? I'm also wondering how I can stop this torrent of emotions that seem to have taken me over. If I didn't already know that antidepressant meds would turn me into an emotionless robot, I'd swallow a handful of them right now. I wish this were just post sickness blues, but it's much, much deeper than that. I can't stop it. I can't change it. And I really don't want to eat it away. Hey, if you expected a perfect example from me, you're reading the wrong blog. I'm still very human.
I am reading... I'm still reading The Art of Prayer by Kenneth Hagin. I'm also rereading Janette Oke's Prairie Romance Series (Love Comes Softly). I've not read it in a long time. It's been very enjoyable to relive the adventures of Clark and Marty Davis.
I am hoping... that this will be a better week for me. That I can give something of myself this week, but at the same time refill myself and see some of my own needs met.
I am looking forward to... a tear free day. I haven't had one lately.
I am learning… that I am a terrible example to others. I must work harder.
Around the house... Catching up on blog posts, putting away laundry, cleaning, plotting and planning.
I am pondering... on how the church in general has turned on its head. I may have said this before, but some recent (and not-so-recent) events have brought it back to the forefront of my mind again.
Without a long drawn out dissertation, let's just say it seems that I would be a more acceptable woman if I threw my purity aside and ran off and got pregnant out of wedlock. It used to be that chastity and sexual purity were honored in every denomination of the Christian church. After all, every youth message I got in my teens were on two topics: "Get Saved" and "Don't Have Sex." OK, I am saved and I'm not having sex, now what? So sorry, the youth pastor playbook only allows me to minister to those who aren't saved and have the potential of becoming sexually active. You're already saved and, let's face it, nobody as fat and ugly as you will run the risk of premarital sex (or even marital sex), so you'll just have to suck it up. In my 20's, the tide shifted. According to the playbook, a woman this age should be married and become a dandy little homemaker and mother. Umm...I went to college (TWICE), haven't even dated anyone, and now I'm trying to find a good job. We're so sorry the playbook is for young married couples and young professionals. And what do you do for a living?
Throughout my 30's and now into my VERY EARLY 40's, it's gotten even worse. Now single moms (out of choice, not out of circumstances beyond their control--divorce, death, abuse, abandonment, rape, etc.) are honored, well taken care of, and highly respected. But I followed the rules, I got saved and didn't have sex. How old are you? 41. Aren't you married YET? Well, no. Are you a lesbian?! No. (Sorry, my lesbian friends, but I have had to answer that question simply because of my age and marital status.) What's your employment status? Highly qualified, but still searching. Hmmm...let's check the playbook. The playbook is for families and children only. That's our focus. Your ministry needs are not important. Now, go play bass like a good girl.
Surely I can't be the only one...can I? I don't know whether to keep crying, or throw up!
A favorite quote for today... “The courtesy flush is the mark of a gentleman." - Craig Ferguson
"Honest discourse died when culture decided that if your beliefs are different than mine it means you hate me." - Jon Acuff
On the question of have you ever considered 'playing for the other team?': "Come now, if a man doesn't find me worthy of a date, much less marriage, surely any self-respecting lesbian has better taste than that!" - Me
One of my favorite things... grits.
A few plans for the rest of the week: Crawling out of the cave sometime today. More writing. Finishing up craft projects. Reading. Community band Tuesday. Choir practice on Wednesday. Stitch night Thursday, CR on Friday.
A peek into my day... here’s a picture from the 5k I completed this weekend. The theme was superheroes.