Thursday, August 14, 2014

Say What?!: Thursday Thirteen

No matter what our position in life, we've all had stupid things said to us.  Various situations prompt us to speak before we think--trust me, I've done it myself dozens of times.  However, it seems the most asinine comments come from people trying to "encourage" an overweight friend.

I know, I haven't done a Thursday thirteen in a while, but what follows is a list of 13 things you shouldn't say to an overweight friend -- especially one working on her health.  Yes, I've had these said to me, and yes, I've either thought or said the snarky comments afterwards.  I'm not telling you which ones I actually said.  :)
  1. "You're beautiful inside and out." - This is such a backhanded compliment.  People have to add the "inside and out" because they can't simply say a big girl is beautiful.  Besides, how do you know what I look like on the inside?  Haven't you ever done dissection?  Yuck!
  2. "You have such a pretty face." - Here's "inside and out's" sister compliment.  What they're thinking, but not saying is "...but you have such an ugly body."  With comments like this, sometimes you just have to smile and think, "Bless your heart.  I wouldn't pee in your ear if your brain was on fire."
  3. "A food addict?  Come on, it's not as dramatic as all that.  You could just not eat that, then you wouldn't be a food addict.  Problem solved." - You could just shut up too, then you wouldn't be so stupid.  Problem solved.
  4. "You don't need to eat that."  - **SLAP!!**  I'm sorry, what did you say?  You were minding your own business and staying out of my plate?  That's what I thought you said.
  5. Please don't make Richard Simmons-esque comments when you see a larger person eat something you approve of. "Good for you for making such a healthy choice!  That's GREAT!" - Yeah, I can poo-poo in the potty all by myself too.  Go sit down somewhere!
  6. "Running?  You?!" - I had a 13 year old say that to me two weeks ago.  Where is your mama?! I know it's against the law to beat other people's children, but... 
  7. "Running's bad for your knees." - Kicking you in the butt is probably bad for my feet too, but I'm going to do it anyway if you don't hush.  By the way, I had more knee problems when I was heavier than I ever have since I started running.
  8. "I'm worried about you and all this exercise." - But you didn't give a rats behind when I wasn't exercising.  Hello, the logic train has left the station.
  9. "Slow and steady wins the race."  Since when? That logic doesn't work for NASCAR, and it ain't working for me either.  I'm slow and steady, and I ain't won nothin'!
  10. "You are why our healthcare is so high." - You are why our test scores are so low!  Kiss my...never mind.
  11. "Gastric Bypass surgery would be so much easier." - How is being gutted like a catfish easier?  This surgery doesn't have a very good track record and it is extremely dangerous.  Besides, didn't you just say I'm making your healthcare higher?
  12. "That weight you gained was just muscle, water, mucus, or air from where you need to fart." - I'm fat, not stupid. 
  13. "You wouldn't have __________  if you just lost weight." - Good grief, I've had everything from toenail fungus, to glaucoma, from dandruff to an oil leak in my car blamed on my weight.  This stuff makes my middle finger twitch.

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