Tiptoe Through Better Tulips: The Simple Woman's Daybook

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For Today:  Sunday, April 5, 2015
 

Outside my window …  Cool breezes and partly cloudy skies.

I am thinking...  

About whether I'm being a total nob or not.  I've got several friends who have expressed interested in cycling with me, yet they refuse my invitations, but continue to plan and have cycling sessions with each other.  Look, I freely admit that I'm a slow cyclist and can't yet go long distances and I know there are scheduling conflicts.  My beef isn't even with that.  My beef is that they say they want us to ride together, but never do.  Just say you don't want to ride with me.  I prefer honesty over cordial BS any time.

I'm also thinking about Anorexia Nervosa.  I go through cycles where I look at documentaries and literature on the disorder.  It started when I did a research paper on eating disorders in college.  My thoughts tend to run on a similar track when this happens.  I blogged about it the last time I went through the cycle nearly 3 years ago:

I was watching a documentary on YouTube about a young girl in a group treatment facility for anorexia.  I was fascinated by a statement one of the girls made: 

There’s someone who lives in your head, but she’s moved the real you out of your brain and just sort of left a tiny bit of it and she controls your brain and everything you do.

First, this quote answers your question:  Why is she watching videos about anorexia?  She's fat.  I watched them because  1) I envy these girls for their appearance of discipline to simply not eat and/or to exercise excessively (I said I envy the discipline, not the disorder) and 2) because I wanted to understand the mentality of someone who was dangerously thin, yet still thought they were fat.

I have found that in my case, the mentality of the obese and the anorexic is shockingly similar.  I have often felt that I was under the control of an "alternate" me.  No, not disassociation or demon possession, but a fracture between the outside me and the inside me.

The outside me is the one people see; the people pleaser, the chameleon fueled by the fleeting strength of the false bravado of someone without a care or need.  The real me, the inside me, is the me I one I want to see when I look in the mirror and I'm shocked when I don't. She is strong and healthy, has friends and is free to express needs

Then there's "HER": the mediator between the inside me and the outside me.  "HER" is the taskmaster who yells in my head:

"unworthy of love" 
"fat, ugly, lazy, disgusting slob!"
"Only a two pound weight loss, that's not good enough!  YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"
"FAILURE!"
"Who do you think you are?!"
"You might as well give up and eat. EAT! EAT! EAT!"

"HER" propels me toward junk food like a junkie toward crack, all the while soothing me with the lie of, "It will get better.  This is the last time you'll have to do this."

In all this, the real me gets lost; locked deeper and deeper into a prison cell--a limited space with no prospect of escape (much less thriving).

I'm making strides to change, but "HER" is still fighting for control.

I'm also thinking about something a "friend" said to my Friday, "You've just got more smarts than you should have."  What the Sam Hill is THAT supposed to mean?  "Hey, I'm not comfortable with your intelligence.  I need you to be stupid to make me feel better."  This is the same person who said in all seriousness that they felt more comfortable if I stayed fat.  I don't even have any more room to be angry; just simply done.

I am thankful... For the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ.

I'm also thankful for a 70 mile walking/running month.  That's a total of 180 for the year.  I'm caught up for my MAD x 2 goal.
  
In the kitchen...  Had a little Easter feast over the weekend.  I baked a turkey breast and made potato salad;  my housemate baked a ham.  We added a few side dishes and voila.
 

From the Workshop...

THIS is how my paintings should be matted and framed.  Much better, huh?  For those who were wondering, my work is listed for sale here or here.

Update on birdhouse quilt-ghan.  As you can see, I've nearly gotten the fence built.  I had another project to finish up for Easter, so I've not done much work on it.  This week, I'll be adding much more to the project.  Stay tuned.

I am reading...  Finished reading Dream Thieves by Rick Renner.  The review is here.  Currently off the shelf:

I am looking forward to...  My thighs not rubbing together when I walk.

I am learning…   That I hate being an afterthought.

Around the house...  Nothing special.

 

A favorite quote for today... 

One of my favorite things...  Cooing babies.

A few plans for the rest of the week:   I've got "little old lady" duty this week.  My housemate has a doctor's appointment Monday; my mom on Tuesday.  I thought we were getting a break with the Community Band after our concert.  Apparently we're not, but I am!  I'm also running a 5k on Saturday.
 

A peek into my day...  

The Calhoun County Community Band had our Winter/Spring concert on Tuesday.  It was so much fun.   A big thank you to my local peeps who made it out to the concert.  In the picture is my buddy, Caleb, my housemate's great grandson.  He's a budding musician.  I may have only showed him how NOT to play, but oh well.








My sister Clara and I went out to Oxford lake and took a stroll on Saturday.  It was gorgeous, as usual, and the ducks were in rare form.  I need to walk there more often.







And now for something totally different...  

NEW!

Sometimes things you see or hear just hit so hard you've got to ask...

Leah M. and I walked on the Ladiga Trail today and saw this in the bushes just off the trail.  Yes, it is a toilet.  I don't know what the point of putting it there was;  there's better facilities close by.





The Atlanta Braves traded Craig Kimbrel and one other player to the Padres for seven players.  That's as bad as the Bergdahl trade for the terrorists.  What were they thinking?



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From YouTube:  Fitness Blender shared:

 

 

From Twitter:  @GregBQuotes:  "I'm just weird that way, if I don't get invited, hell, I won't show up!" To @BillBubbaBussey Who Asked Why Greg Missed His Christmas Party (Rick and Bubba Show)

 

From a Google search when I was looking for something completely different:

 

From Facebook: C.Willingham shared: