Am I Worth It?

Spent the weekend reading health articles and blogs and watching fitness related stuff on youtube (with an occasional shift to Drew Carey's Improvaganza J).  In my search, I came across this gem:



I teared up watching it.  This was a group of people who used the various means available for them to lose the weight and get healthy.  Feeling inspired, I made the mistake of reading the comments after the video.  Some goober actually had the nerve to say:

personally I dont think this vid is good at all,..YES you are worth it worth learning to eat right, workout and lose weight without being sliced and diced and taking the easy way out

First, I'm going to be nice and not go off about the horrendous grammar and punctuation (I copied it verbatim).  Second, I've learned recently that the portion of the Internet community with sense and manners will cull the "trolls" ( definition from Wikipedia.org: an Internet term for a person who, through willful action, attempts to disrupt a community or garner attention and controversy through provocative messages).  So, I kept reading without making comments of my own.  Well, the author stepped in herself:

My message was that everyone is worth the fight against obesity. To make a change and get healthy. Not everyone in this video had surgery and not everyone NEEDS surgery. In my case I have been morbidly obese most of my life. I was 180lbs by the time I was 8 years old. Around 260 between middle and highschool [sic] and gained up weight topping 430lbs in my early 20's. I needed help, a saving grace to get me on the right track and for me and some in this video surgery was our tool.

So, what does this have to do with me?  I've been struggling with my weight all my life.  I was a chubby little girl.  I weighed 171 pounds in 6th grade.  More that 200 pounds racked my frame all during high school (marching snare drum in the band is the only thing that kept my heart from being as big as a watermelon).  I weighed over 300 pounds in college.  The most success I've had with weight loss was last year when I got down to 211.  Now, my weight is creeping up slowly again.  Why, with all this information, can't I get it together?  I've lost the will to live.  Why else would I keep eating and drinking poison?  Why else would I continue to try to appease people who obviously don't have my best interest at heart?

In all this time, I've never thought I was worth it.  My trying to get healthy has always been about someone else:  losing weight to be liked, to not embarrass my friends, to not be a health burden on anyone else, to be a good example to the church, etc.  It's never been about me.  I've always been taught that making anything about me was selfish or being a spoiled brat.  I recently heard it said that "a Christian should never feel hopeless or in dispair."  Oh great, something else to feel like a failure for, something else to FIX for someone else's benefit.

So, where do I go from here?  If I could just start over...if I could just be worth it...

1st grade:  1978  (that's my Daddy)

Graduation from JSU in 1995:  Over 300lbs

Last Easter:  2011 (That's my Mom)