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For Today: Sunday, June 12, 2016
I am thinking...
- I'm wondering about myself. How much pain of heart can one person take before they can't manage anymore? Too many years of this is taking it's toll on me. I just wished I was the kind of person who didn't eat when they weren't feeling mentally well. But, no, I have to be the opposite. Blah!
- I'm pondering the summer series our Pastor is preaching. It's on the "one another" scriptures. So far, we've covered "love one another" and "fellowship with one another." It's been a painful pleasure. Anytime the uncompromised word of God is preached is a pleasure, but I'm hurting over it. I long for true fellowship and loving friendships with my church family, but how? How do I "do life in community" when I don't feel like I belong to the community? I'd say 50% of my anxiety is all on me--my hangups, my depression, my failure. The other half rests on everything being family oriented. I keep hanging on the Psalm 68:6 - "God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains..." I don't know how this is going to happen, but I have to believe that it will. I'm also analyzing how I am sabotaging any chance of being accepted as a real member of the family. Do I portray the image of someone who doesn't need/want anyone else? Do my bouts with depression turn others away? Or is it simply my hideous appearance that sends people fleeing for the hills?
I am thankful for... a new week and a new chance to get it right.
From the Workshop...
I am reading... I finished up several selections since my last daybook. The reviews are here, here and here.
I am learning... that's I'm tired of the clothes in my closet. Some are "progress wear" that I've yet to get into comfortably. Most items of clothing are the cast offs of others who've donated to them to the thrift store. Don't get me wrong, I like thrift stores, but buying used clothes is like buying pre-worn shoes; they're already tailored to the body of the last person who wore them. It's frustrating to have nothing that you've picked out yourself or that makes you feel good when you wear it. This month, I slowly started buying new clothes, but it's going to a long time to get a week's worth of outfits that I'm pleased with, but I know it will help my self esteem.
Favorite quote(s) of the week... "Time isn't running out. Time is running toward." - Beth Moore
I am looking forward to... having true happiness and true genuine friendships, or getting out of here so others can have those things.