Thursday, January 22, 2015

Done! [Auntie's Rants]

I got on my scale today and it said 235.  I've gained and lost the same 5 pounds for probably a month now.  I've binged and starved, and binged and worked out until I can barely stand.  I've cried and prayed alone, but otherwise kept silent for my friends' benefit.

Y'all, I'm tired.  Very tired.  And I'm DONE:

I'm done with exercising out of fear instead of enjoyment.  I like working out, but not when I'm doing it to try to burn off a binge to alleviate guilt.

I'm done with food ruling my life.  I can't remember the last time I enjoyed eating anything.  Healthy food is wonderful and I will continue to eat it, but food eaten in stress and guilt has no flavor, not matter what it is.  I'm done with feeling guilty about wanting to eat out while being jealous of those who do.  I'm done with trying to count calories, fat grams and sugar.  All this counting has only made me obsess over food.  I'm always eating too much of one thing and too little of something else.  In my quest to "leave calories on the table," I left myself undernourished and hungry as hell.  I want to enjoy food; not worship it.

I'm done with feeling guilty no matter how little or how much I eat, especially at church and recovery meetings.  My mantra of "other addicts don't get to treat themselves with their drug of choice, so why should I" is not working.  What's "bad" food for one person isn't necessarily a problem for someone else.  I'm so freakin' afraid to eat anything for fear that my choices will send someone else into relapse.  Not to be ugly (or TO be ugly) if an addict wants to use my eating a cookie as an excuse for him to smoke dope, that's his problem, not mine.  I'm done with being out of balance.

I'm done with the feelings in my head and heart.

I'm done with the constant seething with anger because I can't get things right.

I'm done with feeling stuck and hopeless.

I'm done with wanting to disappear and die all the time.

I'm done with crying myself to sleep every night.

I'm done with people seeing pain and defeat in my eyes more than they see hope.

I'm done with sitting at home afraid to go out and do anything.

I'm done with not wearing makeup or pampering myself because I'm waiting to at my goal weight so it will "look right" to do it.

I'm done with waiting on other people to decide if I'm worth it.  I AM WORTH IT!  If you don't think I am, unfriend me, unfollow me, quit reading my blog, quit smiling in my face at church or CR and MOVE ON.  I'm too old for this crap.

I'm done with people telling me that I'm not a good Christian because I make no bones about not being perfect.  Hey, before you work on my "splinter," you might want to see to your "plank."  Aiyit then.

I'm done with my gender and marital status defining my worth and/or spirituality in other people's eyes.  It's been going on so long that I'm starting to believe it.  Oh, honey bunches of NO!  I'm not "still" a single female because I don't read the Bible and pray for the "gift" of marriage enough. ("Just trust Him and believe.  He'll send you that gift."); I'm single because when I asked God about being a wife and mother, He said "no."  All the promises of God are "yes and amen," but there is no promise in the Bible of marriage for every woman.  Jesus did not die on the cross for me to be someone else's bride; He died to make me His bride.  I want to focus on that.

Danny Cahill asked the Meltdown Challenge group what we hoped to gain from our health journeys.  I simply said "equality."  I have to be done with that concept as well.  The equality I saw was everyone else's idea of equality where I start at the bottom (unequal) and work my way up to equal with everyone.  No, in God's eyes I am equal.  If a person sees me as unequal to them, it's HER problem, not mine.

I'm done with "enough."  Who the Sam Hill determines what "enough" is?:  Good enough, strong enough, spiritual enough, fit enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, blah, blah, blah.  I've heard ENOUGH.  My best is good enough.  If it isn't then...well, whose problem is that?

I'm done with having no joy or happiness.

I'm done with other people getting a pass in life, while I'm told to suck it up and take any abuse that's dished out to me.

I'm done with being told how I should feel or even if I should feel.  Hey, if my feelings bother you, there's the door.

Dear Life, You suck, I hate you, and I'm done with you.  I'm going to look for a new one--the one God has for me.
Love, Auntie

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