Off the Grid: Me, Myself, and Isolation [My Mythical Year] [101 in 1001 v. 2]

See my post here for more information on My Mythical Year. 

Isolation.  For some, too much of it can be detrimental to the psyche.  Too little of it can make some anxious and overwhelmed.  My being an ambivert (I thought it was omnivert this whole time) requires me to have a balance of socialization and nourishing isolation.

But wait, you live most of your life in isolation, why would you need more of it?

Hush, you don't know me like that.

Anyway...

For me, the internet and social media are an integral part of my connection to the outside world.  Hopefully, I will always prefer face-to-face interaction over electronic interaction.  However, I felt I was getting out of balance with it, plus it was really starting to depress me.

In case you're not aware of it, Mother's Day is the hardest holiday on the calendar for me.  The week before, I started feeling the icy claws of depression and inadequacy start to scratch at my heart.  I tried to ignore it, but all the pictures of families and the Proverbs 31 shaming had already started.

Side note:  Also, if you aren't aware of it, I love moms, dads, kids, families, and Proverbs, chapter 31.  However, I don't like how they've been presented to those like me for whom they are not an option.  Or, as in the case of Proverbs, chapter 31, presented as an exclusive club that only the best women can be a part of ...which is a lie and something God never said.

I had already planned at some point to have a technology free weekend as part of my 101 in 1001 list, and  Mother's Day weekend seemed to be the perfect time;  My friends would be busy with family, and I figured my Pastor would be slinging Proverbs 31 from one end of the sanctuary to the other (he didn't, but I didn't know that), so staying in wouldn't be noticed.

My plan was to, without preamble or announcement, go without my phone, tablet, and laptop from Friday after work until I went back to work on Monday, the 13th.  As I said in my review of What Falls From the Sky:

Though I don't believe that I'm addicted to the internet or social media, I do feel somewhat overwhelmed by it and have a need to occasionally get completely off the grid. 

What I thought

I figured my reactions would be withdrawal and feeling lonely because I couldn't periodically check my apps for interactions.  Also, turning off my tablet means that I have to curtail my habit of listening to a book, podcast, or video until I go to sleep.  Would I be able to sleep with so much quiet?  Then there's FOMO - Fear of Missing Out.  What if something cool happens while I'm gone?  What if I lose all the Words With Friends games I started?  What if...?  Oh, whatever!

What really happened

I thoroughly enjoyed it.  There was no withdrawal, no problems getting to sleep, and no lonely feeling like I'd missed out.  In fact, when I went back on the grid that Monday, I saw that I really hadn't missed anything and it really felt like a letdown to have to go back (except, there was a new GMM episode to watch).  Plus, I finished some projects I'd started long ago.  It was a very freeing experience.  To borrow a quote from The Book of Mythicality:

It is important for [me] to get time to [myself] in order to be the Mythical [Auntie I] need to be.  When [I] get the opportunity to experience moments of pure, unadulterated, self reflection, it can be thoroughly reinvigorating.

So, if an occasional break from the chaos of the bling and ping of electronics and social media makes me a better Auntie, I'm all for it.

Five Minute Friday: "World"

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Several songs came to mind when I saw the prompt (videos below):

• Hey World!
• Place in the World
• Big World
• This is My Father's World

I know that most people think that someone my age shouldn't still be wondering what her place is in the world.  Fortunately, I have better people in my life than that.  A couple of conversations this week have given me hope.

One conversation reminded me that I'm not behind.  I often feel like I'm behind everyone and can never catch up.  I have to remember that God knows all;  He knew when I would enter this world before I was even thought of.  He knew what my past would be.  He knew how long it would take me to work my recovery.  He knows how many days I have in this world and how I can complete what He has for me in the time I have left.

Psalm 31:15a - "My times are in your hands..."

I was sharing with a co-worker my thoughts from my last FMF post (she doesn't read my blog).  Her take on it was very different.  She said that while it may be true that some see God using the healing of their childhood hurts as a way to make them a better spouse and/or parent, it's more important that it makes one be more Christ-like in every relationship. 

Matthew 10:8 - "Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give." 

As I freely receive, I want to freely pass the healing to anyone who wants it.

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Postscript:  One more song came to mind as I finished this post (video below).  The lines that stood out are in the bridge:

And if I take it all for granted, I can throw it all away.
     So I want to leave the world better when I’m gone.
And I know the morning after will bring another day.
     So this is my revival song… it’s my revival song.

Five Minute Friday: "Question"

 

 

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This July, I'll have been working on my recovery for eleven years.  One phrase often uttered in Celebrate Recovery meetings is "God never wastes a hurt."  Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."  I've come a very long way, but, unfortunately, there is still much hurt to deal with.

Most people who have sordid childhoods say that God used that hurt to make them better spouses and parents.

I have lots of questions for God.  The main one right now being how will my hurts not be a waste since marriage and children are not in His playbook for me?  I'm fine with that, since I never want to pass the hurt to anyone.  However, how do I pass the healing on?  I never want anyone to experience the hurts that still haunt me to this day.  I can't stop someone else's hurt, but I hope that somehow I can be useful in mentoring someone through the process of stopping those past hurts from ruining the present and stealing from the future--a process I'm going through right now.

How will this hurt not be wasted?

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2019 Book Nook Reading Challenge: 08

Title:  Hello, Beauty Full.  

Author:  Elisa Morgan

Info:  Copyright 2015:  Nashville:  W Publishing Group

Rating (on a scale of 1-4 stars):  ✮✮✮✮

Where Acquired:  Purchased from the author.

Category:  This falls into two categories Impulse Reads and Recommended Reading.  The author spoke at a ladies' brunch at my church and shared insights from this book.  Her share time was so good, I decided to purchase of copy to get more of the story.

Synopsis:  Beautiful.  How many women actually see themselves as beautiful through the eyes of the Almighty?  Using scripture and personal examples, Morgan takes the phrase "Hello, beautiful" and expounds on the elements of each portion of the phrase.  Hello: the call to wake up to the hiss of enemy's lies.  Beauty:  The true godly elements of beauty that the world may or may not recognize.  Full: the call to truly live life to the full as God intended.

Favorite Quotes:

"More pleasing to me than all your prayers, works, and penances is that you would believe I love you." - Brennan Manning, p. xxii

Rather than abandoning me to act sinful, God invites me into acting saved.  Rather than leaving me indentured as a slave to shame, God releases me to unfettered freedom.  Rather than only rescuing me from how I've been wounded, God heals me whole, as if the evil never occurred. - p. 13

At the turn of the first millennium, a monk named Bernard of Clairvaux clarified four stages of love, each building in maturity on the others:
     1.  Love of self for self's sake.
     2.  Love of God for self's sake.
     3.  Love of God for God's sake.
     4.  Love of self for God's sake. - p. 73

Quaker Parker J. Palmer wrote, "Our deepest calling is to grow into our authentic selfhood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be.  As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human seeks--we will also find our path of authentic service to the world."  - p. 76-77

The Positive:

• I've waited so long for a woman of great influence to say much of what was said in this book.  The message was very empowering to women without the need to emasculate men to accomplish it.  She talks about how men and women are called of God to work together and to exercise their influence to better the Kingdom of God.  This was so refreshing to hear.
• I found the premise of the book quite clever.
• Unlike many authors of this genre the author puts her own life into the book. She didn't distance herself from the reader as if to say, "Hey I've got this all figured out.  Now I'm going to tell you little people how to straighten up."
• I enjoyed Morgan's dry, self deprecating humor.

The Negative:

• Morgan wrongly asserts that "It's well documented that women uniquely struggle under the shadow of shame, both real and imagined." (p. 37)  Women are not unique to shame.  In fact, much of the research done by Brené Brown, whose material she cites and I have read, conveys the exact opposite.  Yes, Morgan's book is geared toward women, but men's experiences of shame and insecurity shouldn't be dismissed.
• If she mentioned MOPS international once, she mentioned it a dozen times.  We get it!  Her time at MOPS is not what give her book credence, her honesty, her openness, her willingness to put herself into the book; that's what gave it credence.
• Her assertion that female sexuality and the "ability to turn a head, just because I'm a girl" is somehow some gift from God is ludicrous, not to mention degrading.  Women are not just sexual objects for men to ogle over.  
• While I thoroughly appreciate that this wasn't a wives and moms only book, her chapter on "Womb" left me cold.  While she acknowledges that every woman isn't called to be the mother of a biological child, her wording seemed to indicate that those who are called to "birth" other things are merely getting a consolation prize from God and are still second class citizens among "real" godly women.

Conclusion:

I would recommend this book to any woman who struggles with her identity in Christ.  I most likely will reread this volume; there's so much to absorb and so much more soul searching to do.

Five Minute Friday: "Well"

 

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I've known.  I've known for a long time, but I tried to muddle through for a while without it.  Wellness and total healing require community.  I'm not just talking about doctors, nurses, and mental health specialists, though those are great and necessary.  No, I mean the other things we don't want to admit we need; accountability partners, mentors, friends, and ourselves.

Yes, I said we need ourselves in the mix for total wellness. 

Everyone around me can want me to be my best, send me well wishes, offer to help, and be there for me, but if I'm not there for me, forget it.  That may be why Jesus asked the man at the pool of Bethesda, "Do you want to get well?" (John 5:6)  Even the Lord Himself doesn't force wellness onto those who don't want it.  He continues to love, continues to draw us with His goodness (Romans 2:4), and all we have to do is ask.

Since I've been in Colorado, I have asked for such community.  I thought I could muddle through without it, but I was failing miserably without it.  Not only do have good medical doctors to monitor my physical health, I've also found a Celebrate Recovery, an affordable fitness facility, and a mentor/coach/counselor close by.  I'm slowly making friends and surrounding myself with healthy people.

Do I want to get well?  Yes.  Absolutely.  Yes!

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