And here goes...
235 -- So, my total loss for the challenge was 8 pounds.
I should be proud of that, but I'm not.
I needed to lose 15 pounds to succeed at the challenge and possibly win something and I didn't.
To the benefactor who financed my participation in this challenge, I wholeheartedly apologize. I feel as though I've wasted your money and time. I do not want you to suffer for me being a bad investment, so as soon as I can, I will pay you back through my friend who knows who you are.
To all who followed my blog through this challenge: I'm so sorry that I failed you. I've been a horrible example by failing at this. I noticed readership went down during this process. I guess people figured I wouldn't succeed, so they quit reading. I don't blame them.
This challenge was hard from the beginning. When the start date changed, yet some people could register their weigh ins and weight loss before the challenge started, I felt like a loser already. I wasn't approaching this challenge as a true competitor, but a loser being dragged along for the ride. When I brought it to the group's attention, I was lambasted for daring to question. I was told not to focus on the money and the contest, but on other things. Well, I'm sorry, but I had a benefactor to satisfy so they wouldn't waste their money. I know they didn't know that, but of course they have a say and they will get compensated for their efforts. Also, the head of the challenge was a winner on The Biggest Loser. I think $250,000 was part of his motivation for getting healthy, so the argument is invalid. Maybe I just expect too much, but I thought that the leader/coach of the challenge would be more accessible and open to everyone, not just people he knew. I also thought he would work at the challenge as hard as we would. So, I thought I might get some insight by following the guy on Twitter. Along with the different cities he visited were tweet-brags about all the unhealthy food he was eating. Lovely. OK, so that's not a source of encouragement. Now granted, he's the leader so he can do what he wants, which of course is the nature of leadership. It just rubbed me the wrong way.
Let's not even get into all the bad web links, misinformation, and typos.
With all that, I should have overcome all of that, but I just couldn't. Every time I turned around, it seems that my doom was sealed before I got going good. Well, who's fault is that? MINE. I failed. I can't blame anyone else. I should have done better. I should have shown them that all these obstacles were nothing, but I didn't.
The leader of the challenge shared a video from his days on The Biggest Loser where he talked about succeeding at the ranch because he found a reason to get healthy--he wanted to be a hero for his wife and kids. He wanted to be all that his family thought he wasn't. Others were encouraged by that video; I wasn't. I've stated it before; the chances of me becoming a wife and mother are slim and none. So there's no one for me to be a hero for. I've also talked about how my family has never had any expectations of me, so they are not a factor. People have suggested I simply do this for myself. I don't think so. Not only would that be selfish, but to what end? I haven't gotten to the point to where I am worth the effort alone. If it's not helping someone else, if it's not helping me fulfill God's purpose in my life, if it's not encouraging someone else to take care of themselves, what good is it?
So, what to do? I'm not quitting the journey. My health is more important than other people's BS. I'll figure out the why later. With all that was messy about this challenge, I think I'm going to issue my own to get us through the holidays. There will be no money involved, no shaming, no wasted time fiddle farting around on the internet with links that don't work or are loaded with misinformation. There will be love, accountability, and sound information.
To be continued...
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