Auntie has the blues. I wish I knew why my mind works the way it does sometimes. Good things have happened this week with my dryer being fixed and all (no more crispy towels). But, I've just had a few too many sucky things happen at the same time. Some I will mention here, some I will not.
My father passed away nine years ago, but Father's Day never saddened me before. Not to be snarky, but I'd gotten jaded to the feelings of loneliness before my Dad died because he never went to church with me anyway, much less on Father's Day. I'd grown accustomed to tuning out Father's Day sermons at church. Sorry y'all, but I think Dads should be honored and respected on Father's Day, instead of being treated like dead beats, even when they're not. Mother's Day is celebrated that way, why not Father's Day? But I digress.
For some reason, this Father's Day season was hard for me. I started feeling the blues creep up on me last week during Vacation Bible School (VBS). I won't go into any details, but let's just say my attempts to volunteer were not very successful. When I walk into a room and everyone knows or is related to each other and I get that "you are a round peg trying to fit into a square hole" feeling in my gut, I can guarantee that no matter how hard I try, this is going to suck. And it did. I so looked forward to it because it's been years since I've been able to help with VBS, but I only made it through two days before I threw in the towel. Oh well maybe next year...in a different section...
Then, I started dealing with some of the unmentionable incidents; more blues. By the time the hormone fairy paid a visit, I was in full blown depressive binge mode. Oh, crap! Not again. I can't do this to myself again!
I tried to head this off by "kidnapping" my baby girls and having a fun day with them yesterday. This is where the pictures come in. I got my nieces' youngest children; "Mini Me" (6), "Ray-Ray" (2), and "Honey Boo Boo" (almost 4). We had a fun, silly day complete with hula hoops, bubbles, water fights, painting, and playing with "clouds in a can" (a can of shaving cream in the hands of a former preschool teacher goes a long way). We ate chicken fingers and fries and drank Kool-Aid (don't wag your co-dependent finger at me!). We played and laughed all day, topped that off with a nap, then the ride home was filled with dancing to the "Secretariat Dance" and the "Move it, Move it" song (honey, I do that when there's no kids in the car). The girls were so well behaved and such a joy to me. However, the minute I got back home and got too still and quiet, the icy fingers of depression started to wrap themselves around my heart again.
Today was very difficult, and everything seemed to go wrong: I barely made it out of bed in time to get ready for church, I was cramping like crazy, my sheet music for worship was in the wrong key and I transpose very slowly (carry the one, square root of two...), I bent over to pull my bass out of the stand and poked my eye on the stand (don't ask how, I don't know!) I think I have the beginnings of a black eye, but I can't tell. I was in such a pissy mood that I didn't even go to Sunday School (plus I didn't get to eat breakfast, so I had to go get something). No one needed my bad humor, plus it was my own fault and I needed to find a way to deal with it.
After church, some friends invited me to lunch. They knew I wasn't doing well without my telling them. They lovingly drew out of me what was going on. Getting to talk it out helped so much. After lunch, I went home, took a nap, tried on a bunch of clothes I had just been blessed with (another good thing for today), and sat down and looked at the pictures of my girls from yesterday. They make me smile. They seemed to help me remember that it was O.K. that I wasn't yet a wife and a mommy and that I was perfect just being an auntie. Now, maybe I can beat this funk and win yet another battle.
|Yes, I fit two car sets and a booster seat in the back seat of my Honda!|
|We are just too silly for our own good.|
|Playing with "clouds in a can." Still wondering how they got it in some of the places I found it. My living room still smells like shaving cream.|
|YOU BETTER RUN!|
|Auntie's Babies painting in her make mess room. LOVE IT!|