There are
different types of friends. Friends run
the gamut from mere associates to forever friends. From Facebook friends to the kind of friend
who would bail you out of jail (unless he/she was in the cell next to you ). The best friends in the world are “ride or
die” friends. Urbandictionary.com defines
these individuals as “the people in your life who are there through thick and
thin. They'll do what it [takes] to make it through with you. The ones that'll
stick it through ‘till the end.’” In recovery,
as well as in any healthy life’s journey, we need ride or die type friends.
There
came a point in my quest for total health where I found out who my real friends
were. I had been in recovery for more
than three years. I was still
struggling, but still hanging in there.
I had a small circle of friends who I thought had my best
interest at heart. Unfortunately, it took a special day in my life to find out the
truth.
I’ve always
wondered why birthdays mean so much to me.
After all, it’s just the day I slithered into the world, the last of
eleven children (we think). Is it
society that implants the subliminal message that people are supposed to give a
rat’s butt about the day you were born?
Is it a subconscious need for attention?
I really don’t know, but unfortunately, I’ve never shaken it. I can’t figure out why. As a child, my parents couldn’t afford to
have me a party. Having food to eat and
clothes to wear was a little more important (I’m not being snarky; it’s true). The only birthday party I was ever invited to
when I was a kid was a nightmare. When I
turned 15, I tried to have myself a party…no comment on what a catastrophe that
turned out to be. My mantra after that
was, “screw this mess!” I sincerely
tried not to care about birthdays after that.
When I turned 18, it’s was only a few days after I graduated from high
school, so I was still riding on that high.
Year 21 didn’t mean anything because I’d drank more alcohol before it
was legal than I ever have since becoming “of age.” Year 30 was a blur because it’s the same year
I had my tonsils out (strep, surgery, and drugs, OH MY! ) But then last year came year 40. Oh dear.
For some
reason, I thought that year 40 would be my year. I’d finally started making decisions that
were more beneficial to my health. Like
I said, I was still struggling, but felt like I was on my way. The day before my birthday, a friend from
church took me out to an early dinner and I was to get together with some other
friends afterwards. Dinner was
scrumptious. As I headed out to meet
with my other friends, I felt so special—like one of the cool kids. Sigh. Why do I do this to myself?
Have you
ever seen an intervention? No, I’m not
talking about a Dr. Phil intervention; I mean a real one. It is my understanding that an intervention
is set up because a loved one (i.e.: someone you care about the health and
safety of) is harming himself in some way.
Whether it’s an abusive relationship or some sort of substance abuse, an
intervention is supposed to be a loving meeting to let the loved one know what
harm their choices are producing, to instill in them that they need help, and
to give them the comfort of knowing that they have people in their corner. Kind of like Galatians 1:6 (King James
Version) – “Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are
spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself,
lest thou also be tempted.” Well, that
ain’t what I got. What was supposed to
be a joyous time of fellowship turned in to a cartload of crap!
First
of all, I already knew and acknowledged that I was a food addict and was getting
help, so I didn’t see the point of this in the first place. Second, I found it rather tacky (that’s the
nicest word I could write down) to mess with me the day before my
birthday. Third, their entire premise
and motive was wrong. Here’s how it
went. My “friends” gathered together to
let me know that (1) they thought I was suicidal, (2) they didn’t support my
being a part of Celebrate Recovery, and (3) I was too honest about my struggles
and that my honesty was making them look bad.
Stop! Hammer time…
Now,
let’s see, you don’t support my honesty about my struggles? O…K.
Any of you who’ve read my blog since its inception know that it started
out slightly different than its present form, but that I always endeavored to
be open and honest. Jeremiah 6:14 says (Living Bible), “You can’t heal a wound by saying
it’s not there.” These people took my
honesty as a personal challenge instead of a real person with real problems
working through real answers and helping others in the process. I was told “You know, people will use what
you’ve said against you to hurt you.” But
wait, isn’t that the risk you take with any relationship, cyber or not? I needed to take the risk so that I would
know that it was O.K. for my voice to be heard, and to know that it was being
heard by SOMEBODY! I’d gone through
years of being the squeaky wheel that got no grease. This was my out; this was my release point;
this was a way that I knew the joy of helping or encouraging at least one
person with genuine honesty. But, that’s
a no-no! It’s a heck of thing to find
out your friends are ashamed of you.
Next,
you don’t support my being a part of Celebrate Recovery? For those who don’t know what CR is (because
I haven’t explained it very well, sorry).
Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered 12-step program that uses the
same recovery steps as the various “anonymous” groups. The difference is that our steps and
principles are Bible-based, and we are allowed to openly worship God and
acknowledge Jesus Christ as our higher power.
Now, if my friends had not been professing Christians, this revelation
of non-support wouldn’t have been a shock to me. I asked them why they didn’t support it. Their answer?
“Well, I wouldn’t go.” God didn’t
tell you to go; he told me to go. “Well,
it doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.”
Now, you’ve lost your mind. Do
you know where I would be if it hadn’t been for CR? Do you really?
Why
do I get the feeling that I’m in the presence of Job’s counselors? Now you know WHY they thought I was suicidal.
I
made the mistake of doing what many co-dependents do; I acquiesced. The deal was that I would hang around long
enough to get my 4-year chip in July and then I would totally walk away from CR
for six months. Then we’d reassess the
situation. The caveat was that they were
to be there to fill what was lacking.
“Oh yeah,” they said. ”We’ll be
there for you. We’ll love you and pray
for you. Sure, we’ll take good care of
you.” They promised they would be “ride
or die” friends. Anybody want to guess
what happened? They didn’t ride; they
died. Once I was completely out of CR,
they had what they wanted. They were
even more distant than before. It was
three months of misery, loneliness, depression and emptiness.
Again,
I picked up the chant of “screw this mess!” and I made drastic changes. I jumped back into CR with both feet and
found me some REAL “Ride or Die” friends.
Now, it’s not that I don’t still love my other friends or that I don’t
own my part of the collapse of our friendship.
It’s just that I can’t “do recovery” with them. We can talk about surface stuff, but anything
of a deep emotional nature must be avoided for my emotional health and to keep
them from feeling ashamed.
Today
is my 41st birthday—exactly one year since this crap happened. I
felt that I needed to talk about this because for one thing, somebody reading this may be
going through something similar. Yes, it’s
hard, but you are worth having people in your life who have your well being in
mind and who will also get in your face and tell you when you’re wrong or need
to change. I also needed to talk about
this because I’m dealing with fear today.
My new “Ride or Die” friends have gotten together to take me out for a
birthday dinner tonight. I’m very afraid
that I’m going to cause a repeat of last year.
This has NOTHING to do with my friends.
This has EVERYTHING to do with me.
I suffer with waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop syndrome. Y’all pray now. I want to enjoy this birthday.
UPDATE: The birthday dinner was great. Laughter, Mexican food, and cute guys singing to me in Spanish...oh yeah!
I can relate in some way...not to the extent of pain with which you've had to contend. I'm in a VERY bad way, and my sister INSERTED herself in the middle. The result was anger and pain I cannot describe. I'm the bad guy, according to her fake ass!!! Shannon, I knew you....you have overcome SO MUCH...for IDIOTS to mock you like this is inconceivable!!! I'm with you, and others will be, too!! I've SEEN the progress you've made, via your photos!!! You deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!! May God grant you EVERYTHING!!! GBY!!
ReplyDeleteI don't understand. Is your recovery from food addiction or drugs or alcohol? It is very confusing.
ReplyDeleteMy addiction is a food addiction. I'm sorry that my posts have been confusing. What do I need to do to make them clearer?
DeleteIt's clear now. I thought maybe you had an alcohol or drug problem you were recovering from. Not that there's anything wrong with that :)
ReplyDeleteI thank you for reading my blog. I hope you will continue to read and comment. God bless you and have a great week.
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