Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Facing the Pain.

This is in answer to the question:  What do you see when you look in the mirror?

There are some things in life that we can't control, and some of those things bring us pain.  Illness or injury bring physical pain.  Other people can say or do cruel things that cause us emotional pain.  And sometimes it doesn't take people at all; circumstances can deal us a bad hand and cause a lot of pain and suffering.  Not all of these events are necessarily traumatic.  Lots of small little hurts in our lives can add up to a general state of sadness or low-grade despair.  Sometimes the simple lack of stimulation from loved ones in our lives can contribute to boredom and loneliness, which can be some of the hardest emotional suffering to endure.
Joyce Meyer's book Look Great, Feel Great, p.  109
This is what pain looks like.  This is the pain I keep trying to get rid of. Yes, there are smiles in the pictures because there have to be.  Underneath is utter torment.  This is the pain I'm reminded of every time I look in the mirror.  This is the pain that hollers every morning "NOT GOOD ENOUGH!  HATED!  SHAMEFUL!  UGLY!  DIE!"  This is the outward manifestation of inner turmoil.   This is the product of feelings unfelt, love rejected, depression shamed and untreated,   and humanity unrecognized.  This is what I want to stop, to kill at any cost.

What I yearn for is not fashion model thinness, nor vain beauty that is fleeting (Proverbs 31:30).  Nor do I crave sex appeal (I'm too old for that crap, besides I'm not married anyway and most likely will never be).  What I want is the real me to emerge from these layers of damaged flesh and emotions.  What I want is a stable life--a life that shows the truth of God's divine promise of "beauty for ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning."  (Isaiah 61:3)  What I want is to be heard, not shamed into a lonely corner of silence.  What I want is to never see someone else go through the same pain. 

This process of open truth is very painful.  I would rather be happy-go-lucky and continue to hide the fact that my life is not OK.  But that is a lie.  I can't help myself on lies and I certainly cannot help anyone else with lies.

What do you see when you look in a mirror?

1 comment:

  1. What I see when I see you is a Christ-following, brave, beautiful, bold, courageous, honest, funny, and inspiring woman! Beauty for ashes, for real! I am so proud of you. It's hard enough to type those numbers out. I don't know if I could ever post a picture like you have. I may join you in this. I don't know. It scares me to the core! It's hard to REALLY look at yourself. You are so motivating me to get it together. Truly, you are beautiful, daughter of God!