Meltdown Challenge: Day 42 - Weigh-Out Day

Final weigh in time!

And here goes...

235 -- So, my total loss for the challenge was 8 pounds. 

I should be proud of that, but I'm not.

I needed to lose 15 pounds to succeed at the challenge and possibly win something and I didn't.

To the benefactor who financed my participation in this challenge, I wholeheartedly apologize.  I feel as though I've wasted your money and time.  I do not want you to suffer for me being a bad investment, so as soon as I can, I will pay you back through my friend who knows who you are.

To all who followed my blog through this challenge:  I'm so sorry that I failed you.  I've been a horrible example by failing at this.  I noticed readership went down during this process.  I guess people figured I wouldn't succeed, so they quit reading.  I don't blame them.

This challenge was hard from the beginning.  When the start date changed, yet some people could register their weigh ins and weight loss before the challenge started, I felt like a loser already.  I wasn't approaching this challenge as a true competitor, but a loser being dragged along for the ride.  When I brought it to the group's attention, I was lambasted for daring to question. I was told not to focus on the money and the contest, but on other things.  Well, I'm sorry, but I had a benefactor to satisfy so they wouldn't waste their money.  I know they didn't know that, but of course they have a say and they will get compensated for their efforts.  Also, the head of the challenge was a winner on The Biggest Loser.  I think $250,000 was part of his motivation for getting healthy, so the argument is invalid. 

Maybe I just expect too much, but I thought that the leader/coach of the challenge would be more accessible and open to everyone, not just people he knew.  I also thought he would work at the challenge as hard as we would.  So, I thought I might get some insight by following the guy on Twitter.  Along with the different cities he visited were tweet-brags about all the unhealthy food he was eating.  Lovely.  OK, so that's not a source of encouragement.  Now granted, he's the leader so he can do what he wants, which of course is the nature of leadership.  It just rubbed me the wrong way.

Let's not even get into all the bad web links, misinformation, and typos.

With all that, I should have overcome all of that, but I just couldn't.  Every time I turned around, it seems that my doom was sealed before I got going good.  Well, who's fault is that?  MINE.  I failed.  I can't blame anyone else.  I should have done better.  I should have shown them that all these obstacles were nothing, but I didn't. 

The leader of the challenge shared a video from his days on The Biggest Loser where he talked about succeeding at the ranch because he found a reason to get healthy--he wanted to be a hero for his wife and kids.  He wanted to be all that his family thought he wasn't.  Others were encouraged by that video; I wasn't.  I've stated it before; the chances of me becoming a wife and mother are slim and none.  So there's no one for me to be a hero for.  I've also talked about how my family has never had any expectations of me, so they are not a factor.  People have suggested I simply do this for myself.  I don't think so.  Not only would that be selfish, but to what end?  I haven't gotten to the point to where I am worth the effort alone.  If it's not helping someone else, if it's not helping me fulfill God's purpose in my life, if it's not encouraging someone else to take care of themselves, what good is it?

So, what to do?  I'm not quitting the journey.  My health is more important than other people's BS. I'll figure out the why later.  With all that was messy about this challenge, I think I'm going to issue my own to get us through the holidays.  There will be no money involved, no shaming, no wasted time fiddle farting around on the internet with links that don't work or are loaded with misinformation.  There will be love, accountability, and sound information. 

To be continued...

Meltdown Challenge: Day 36

With one week to go, I weighed in this morning.

I'm up two pounds from last week.  :(

I'm disgusted and angry.  Yes, I had one bad eating day (Saturday).  But my workouts were on point, plus I ran a 5k this weekend.  See, this is why I keep saying "cheat" days are detrimental and ridiculous.  ADDICTS DON'T GET CHEAT DAYS!  I didn't even intend to have a bad day.  I hadn't set up a cheat day.  The stress of getting ready for the craft sale got to me and I went nuts and binged.  Now, I may have ruined my chance to succeed in this challenge.

I have one week to loose eight pounds. I'm trying not to panic.  The big temptation is to work out like crazy and starve.  I had to tell myself this morning that the best thing for my body is not to starve, but to nourish; not to work my self to death, but to enjoy the movement.  I may not succeed at this, but I'm not going out like a punk. 

Meltdown Challenge: Day 29

After last week's fiasco, I approached today's weigh in with trepidation.  But here goes....

Five pounds DOWN!  PRAISE DANCE!

I removed Gatorade from my daily intake.  I was drinking several small bottles a day and didn't realize how much sugar was in it.  I drink my daily coffee with flavored sweet creamer.  I changed to drinking hot green tea with lemon and Stevia (I can't have artificial sweeteners).  I have my coffee like I like it on Sunday mornings.  That made a dramatic difference.

This week, I'll work on getting my water intake up, cut out nibbling while I cook, and trying to add some weights to my workouts.  The weather in Alabama is supposed to be nice this week, so I want to get outside as much as possible.

I have two weeks to lose 6 pounds and meet the challenge goals.  LET'S DO THIS!

Meltdown Challenge: Day 23

Had a great time at the Anniston Runner's Club "Tidbit Workshop."  The workshop's tidbits included brief sessions on running form, nutrition, cross training, and stretching. 

I found out a lot of things I thought I was doing wrong were actually correct.  My running form of small, quick (for me) strides and refusing to do "windshield wiper" arms is actually correct.  The fact that running/walking is not the only workout I do is actually good for me.  I've often said my biking helped my running, and vice versa.  I've just got to build my stamina back up; I'm still breathing like a chain smoker.

I really couldn't get into the nutrition section.  The information was for runners who are already fit, which is 99.99% of everyone in the room (meaning, I was the only lard butt in the room).  The speaker opened the floor for questions, but I wasn't going to waste everyone's time with questions that only related to me; the workshop was for everyone, not just me.  I did, however, find out that for my fitness level and output, I'm drinking way too much Gatorade, especially for the amount of sugar that's in it.

I'm still working on not feeling out of place at these gatherings.  For the record, no one is making me feel out of place but me.  I look at all the fit bodies and hear the conversations about people placing in their age group of various races, or comparing nutritional gels (?) and the latest running shoe, and I wonder what am I doing here?  Then I remember the goal is to become one of these people, not start out as one already.

After this challenge, I plan to train hard this winter to be ready for the spring running season.  It's on!

Meltdown Challenge: Day 22

Week three weigh in.  Here goes....

I gained a pound?









WTH?!

With all the walking, biking, water drinking, and turning down junk pushed in my face I did this week, I gained?!   I feel like I've dropped a load of weight, but no.  Well, time to reevaluate and make changes again.  I've got 3 weeks to meet my goal for the challenge.

It may be time to start doing two-a-days.  I'm already really tired with one workout a day.  I don't know what would happen with two.  I can't just work out and sleep all the time.

Anyway, onward and upward...

Meltdown Challenge: Day 18

I'm so glad that this challenge focuses on food choices and exercise.  I'm seen so many programs that focus on one, but not the other.  Sure, I can lose weight with a very restrictive low calorie diet, but I will have no muscle tone and look like a sack of wet rags.  I can exercise until I pass out, but if my eating is unhealthy, it will be wasted energy.  Balance is the key.

I saw a brief rant / webinar video from Fitness Blender that talked about the very same thing:

Had a victory today.  I ran a couple of errands and two of the places I stopped had candy--CHOCOLATE candy--I made it out of both places without a having any.  That's progress.

Three miles on the trail today.  These outdoor walks are fabulous.  I hope to get in a bike ride or two this weekend.

Tomorrow's Friday!  Yay!

Meltdown Challenge: Day 17

Changing habits.  Unfortunately, it's not instant.  But maybe that's the problem.  The only instant change I know of is the conversion of the spirit.  Habits take weeks to change, and only a short time to change them back.

The lesson today was about making small changes to establish new good habits.  If I fly in and try to change everything at once, I'll become frustrated and give up.  Making small changes leads to big results.

Had a great four mile walk on the trail.  The leaves are falling and there's pine straw scattered on the trail.  Gorgeous.

Meltdown Challenge: Day 16

Today has been another rough one.  Since I've felt tired so much, I decided to sleep in today.  I got up much later than usual and still felt very tired.  I got a good bit of work done, including a good walk at the community center, but things still aren't right.

Since Sunday, I've felt "off."  It started with how lethargic I felt when I woke up.  It went on to my working very hard to play music at church, but feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere.  I had no focus, and quite frankly, my playing sucked.  So far, this week has been the same way;  I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and all I'm getting is tired.  I think I need a day's getaway.  I'm not sure how I'm going to do that. 

I don't want this to throw off my progress.

I learned something today.  In our food logs, one of the questions was whether we'd balanced a healthy carbohydrate with a food containing healthy protein and fat in our meals and snacks.  I'd wondered about that.  Today's lesson finally explained it.  The energy in healthy carbohydrates is like kindling for a fire;  it's a good starter, but it burns out quickly.  Healthy protein and fat is like a log; it takes the energy of the fire started by the kindling and uses the energy in a slow burn of energy available much longer.  Good lesson.

Off to bed and on to a better day tomorrow.

Meltdown Challenge: Day 15

Weighed in this morning.  May I have another drumroll please....

Down one pound! 

Yes it's one pound, but it's still a loss.  People on the challenge site are angry and disappointed because they "only" lost x # of pounds.  I feel like University of Alabama football coach Nick Saban amongst his detractors.  The team won last Saturday's game by one point, but people weren't satisfied until they won this week's game 59-0.  My attitude is the same as his, a "W" is a "W."

I woke up not feeling well this morning.  I was extremely tired and achy.  I should have stayed in bed and gotten up later, but I had some work I needed to finish.  I've been peckish all day.  I wrote down what I planned to eat, but veered way off.  The only way I can describe it is I had a taste I was hunting for, but couldn't ever find it.  Apparently, I'm having PMS symptoms post-menstrual (oh joy!).

My roommate was extra food pushy today, which didn't help an already crappy day.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  How many ways can I say no?  I've been nice.  I've been not-so-nice.  Today's just one of those days where I gave up and went in my bedroom.

Well, tomorrow is another day.

Meltdown Challenge: Day 13

Well, another Saturday, another bit of craziness.

I went to my niece's wedding reception/party. I was afraid that just like last week at my friend's daughter's wedding, there's a good chance there was no healthy food there.  However, there were plenty of healthy choices.

I was also afraid I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself.  Family functions are pretty stressful for me, but we had a blast.  Though I do have one question:  Why do these people keep planning weddings during football season?  :)

I know I haven't lost a tremendous amount of weight during this challenge yet, but I'm slowly starting to feel and look better.

Photo from the party.

Meltdown Challenge: Day 12

OK, today's reading was a little cray-cray.  Whoever wrote the reading for today must have fallen on his head.

It was an article about eliminating carbohydrates.  Not only did this little blurb have a lot of typos and grammar errors, but it also contained some disturbing misinformation.  I was OK until the sentence, "Carbs, although they provide energy, are not necessary for human beings to survive." Say what?  Simple carbs like those in processed foods and sweets, I get that we don't need those. But complex carbs like fiber are necessary to a balanced, healthy diet. Also, what about the other nutrients we need in fruits, vegetables, and other foods considered carbohydrates?

On day 10, the reading was about dropping the all-or-nothing approach to getting healthy. Wouldn't that also be true for dropping whole food groups from our diets as well? 

Weird.

I'm beginning to wonder of Danny Cahill is even reading this stuff?  This sounds too fad diet-ish for someone who's been on The Biggest Loser.

Meltdown Challenge: Day 11

For the first time in a while, I got a really good night's sleep.  However, I couldn't drag myself out of bed until almost 10 a.m.  With my schedule thrown off and some extra chaos at the house, I made a couple of bad choices.

Roommate and I went grocery shopping today.  She offered to buy me a plate at the Wal-Mart deli.  I knew I should have said no, but I was so tired and really not in the mood to cook.  So, I foolishly said yes.  I looked for healthy options, but who was I kidding?  That poor girl behind the counter couldn't know baked chicken if it slapped her in the face.  The meal I chose gave me bad indigestion, plus, I've felt greasy all evening.  **burp**  My only consolation is that other than the blackberries and cottage cheese I ate for breakfast, that's all I've had today.  I need to remember this the next time temptation comes my way.

I've been watching some back episodes of The Biggest Loser.  Financial guru Suzie Orman was on an episode.  My financial guru is normally Dave Ramsey, but Orman said something that made me think.  She said that people spend more than because they feel less than.  I never really had a lot to spend, but I eat more than when I feel less than.   It's as if I am punishing myself for not being good enough--slowly committing suicide to get out of the way of the good enough people (whoever they are).  But is that really what I want?  Is that what God put me on this earth for?  No, there is so much more to life than that.  I will keep fighting to find out what that is.

So, I press on and try again tomorrow.

Meltdown Challenge: Day 10

All or nothing.  That's who I was.  If I couldn't do it right, I didn't want to do it at all.  I didn't mind adapting, but if I couldn't get the same results as everyone else, forget it.

The challenge asks us to work on small changes instead of an all or nothing total overhaul that may only last a day or two.  The thing that bothers me is that the other challengers are interpreting it as making cheat days OK.  I don't think that's it.  Even if it is, I can't do that.  I'm a recovering food addict.  Other addicts don't get cheat days; why should I? 

My friend Susan and I walked four miles on the Ladiga Trail today.  I can push harder and go further when I've got a partner.  I'm not going to sit around and wait on someone else, but having a workout partner is better than always being alone.

And so goes hump day.

Meltdown Challenge: Day 09

 

Well, woke up to my challenge for the week.  The "Week of Woman" began today.  Oh, joy of all joys (do you smell the sarcasm?).  This is one time I'm grateful for nausea.  Otherwise, I'd pour sugar on soap and eat it.  Why doesn't Progesterone and Estrogen like broccoli instead of ice cream and pizza? 

I worked in the workshop a couple of hours and had to lie down and sleep for several hours.  I've decided that although it's very inconvenient, not to mention frustrating, when my body is demanding rest, I'm just going to have to give it instead of fight against it.  Fighting it only makes it worse.  I feel so lazy when I do that.

One way to earn points in the challenge is to drink 80 ounces of water a day.  I've only managed to do that twice.  I have to stop drinking by around 8:00 p.m. or I'm up in the potty all night.  One of the readings we did today said that the body needs plenty of new water to function or it will recycle dirty water throughout my system.  So my body is pretty much like a commode; if I don't keep it flushed with new water, I'll be full of nasty toilet water.  Yuck!

Got in 2 miles at the Community Center after band practice tonight.  I even did a little running.  I lose a few more pounds and my running mojo will be cranked up again.

Well, on to Wednesday.

Meltdown Challenge: Day 08

Weighed in this morning.  And drumroll please....









Down four pounds!  Praise the Lord!

Praying for a better week so I can repeat these results.

Ok, I was so tired yesterday that I left some unfinished business...

I expressed my concerns about the inconsistencies with the website.  I thought naïvely that the people in charge would take a look at the issues and discrepancies with the website, or at least acknowledge them.  Who am I kidding?  Instead of working on their end, they accused me of "focusing to much on the money."  Money?  Oh, yeah, I left out that part of the challenge; each contestant throws the same amount into a money pool.  All who succeed at the challenge win money.  I left it out because I don't care about that part.  You see, a friend suggested I participate and knowing my financial situation, she had a benefactor lined up to take care of the money side.  So when I succeed, my prize is the weight loss and information.  Any money I win goes into the benefactor's PayPal account; I'll never see it.

I just silently let them rant on because my situation is really none of their business.  I take their non-caring attitude to mean that they may have this set up for who they want to win.  I have to find a way to use this as a motivation (being pissed off enough to win) instead of an excuse to way, "Well, screw it!"

I forgot to mention the food pushers at the reception.  I got my plate and enjoyed eating and talking to my tablemates.  One of the ladies comes up to me and says, "Honey, did you get you something to eat?"  I answered in the affirmative.  She turns up her nose at my plate and says, "Well you certainly didn't get very much."   **face palm**

The horrible news I got Saturday has been resolved and I am safe.  Thank you, Jesus!  No other words are needed.

...Now, on to today...

Today's challenge focus is on really paying attention to serving size.  The calorie count on the package may not be for the entire package.  I have to pay attention to how many servings are in a package.  For example, when I'm out running errands and feeling a little puckish, I usually buy a Gatorade and a small bag of mixed nuts (Almonds, pecans, macadamia nuts, Brazil nuts, and cashews).  Healthy, right?   Riiight-- until I realized that the package wasn't one serving, it was three! At 170 calories a serving, this tiny package of nutty goodness is 510 calories!  I could have had a Big Mac! 

Our weekly webinar was about losing your quit.  As I said at the beginning of this process, I was working on not waiting, but taking initiative.  The problem is, I need to lose my quit.  I quit when I take initiative but seem to get nowhere.  I quit when I'm overwhelmed by situations.  I quit when I'm alone too much.  I quit when I'm tired.  I quit when I'm depressed.  How do I lose my quit in those things.

Got in another good walk at the park with CM.  I'm having a hard time with the gravel path though.  After a long walk on that uneven surface, I feel like I've been beaten up.  We're getting on the paved trail tomorrow.  May even run a little bit.

Finally got in all my water soon enough so I'm not going to be up peeing all night.  ** legs crossed **

So, let's see how awesome tomorrow will be.

Meltdown Challenge: Day 07

Rough time getting up, but I made it up and out.  Missed early service again.  This week's stresses wore me out. I'm hoping for a better week.

LM and I went talking on the Trail after practice.  She's fun to walk with.  We're going to try to do this every week until the time changes.  We may walk before practice then.

I weigh in tomorrow.  Let us pray.

Meltdown Challange: Day 06

Ah, the weekend.  You'd think things will get easier, but not today.

I'm taking my roommate to her great granddaughter's wedding.  There are two receptions for this thing, and nothing healthy at either one (I asked).  I'm going to have to be tacky and bring my own food.  Oh well.  We'll see how it goes.

The video/reading today was about meal planning.  They suggest planning and preparing what you can a week in advance.  I don't know if I can do that, but I'll work on it.  What happens when something unexpected happens?  I'm just afraid that continuing to obsess over food will trigger old addict behaviors.

Had a fun two mile walk this morning with my niece CM and my grandniece, "Mini Me."  We stuck to the park track because it was raining off and on.  I'm noticing improvement.  When I started walking more on the trail or outside, my hips and tailbone would ache to no end (no pun intended).  Now, there's barely a twinge.  Progress.

9 p.m. - I think I did pretty well with the reception.  I had no sweets at all.  That is a victory for me.  Plus, there was some fruit, so I did have a good substitute.

I got settled at home thinking I could finally relax, then I got some news that may screw up everything.  I just need some peace and good days, PLEASE.

Meltdown Challenge: Day 05

OK, so yesterday was a bust.  Let's try this again.

Car is in the shop getting new starter as we speak.  Praying I won't have to sell an organ to pay for it.  BTW--plenty of pretty pretties for sale at Auntie's Workshop.  :)

I'm having a hard time this week.  Along with all the things going on with me, I'm a little disturbed by all the inconsistencies or weird things about the challenge website and point system.

• Some people registered weight loss on the website before the challenge officially started.
• There seems to be a discrepancy about how to earn points be inviting others to join.  The rules say we only earn points when others join the challenge, yet others get points for simply inviting whether they join or not.  Plus, you only get two points a day for inviting, yet there are 10 slots for inviting.  Very confusing.
• The website is simply not very user friendly and much of the terminology used is not explained.

It just seems like all things are not equal.  Very suspicious.

Housework was my exercise for the day.

Got my car back this afternoon, so I hit the grocery store.  Finally!

I'm still very tired.  I hope to sleep straight through the night tonight.

Meltdown Challenge: Day 04

I thought it was just me, but seems like everyone in the challenge who's willing to be truthful is having a hard time this week.  Seems like no one is getting any sleep.  I had a hard time getting to sleep last night and got up late today.  Yesterday's stress didn't help matters either.

Of course, Miss "Danny Jr." is telling everyone what they should do, while not telling us anything about what's going on with her.  I'll be glad when she settles down.

2 pm:  Well looks like she's going to be even worse.  Someone brought it up on the challenge wall as a positive and people are gung-ho about it.  I'm trying not to be a horse's butt by saying it's actually getting on my nerves.  

I've got to remember that God is my coach and I need to constantly check in with Him.  Since this thing started, I've been going off half cocked and trying to handle things myself.  If I keep that up, I'll get the same dismal results I always get when I try to go it alone.

This morning's reading was about calorie counting.  I'm aiming to eat better, but I really don't want to start the obsession with calorie numbers.  As a recovering food addict, I am already fighting food obsession.  Counting calories would only make it worse.  Ever bite I ate would be laced with fear.  I'd either go the other way and get into eating disorder behavior or just say screw it and eat myself to death.  No thanks. 

The food pushing has eased off significantly today.  (Thank You, Jesus.)  Now the problem I'm dealing with is nausea.  It's back again in full force.  I'm having to make myself eat today.  No headache, just a queasy tummy that doesn't want anything.  That may be wonderful for weight loss, but not so good for maintaining energy and lasting results.  I'm going on a bike ride tomorrow and I've got to have more energy that a limp dishrag.

I wonder if we're allowed to have Gatorade?  Even if not, I'm going to anyway.

This is ridiculous.  I got in the car to go walk at the trail and my car won't start.  What is the point?  I think I'm going to explode.

I'm going to bed.  It's the best place for me.

Meltdown Challenge: Day 03

Woke up feeling much better today.  No headache or queasy tummy.  Yay!

BUT, I've been tired all day.  I tried to take a late afternoon nap, but couldn't sleep.  Boo!

Seems like today's theme is FOOD!

Part of the process of this challenge is daily readings or videos.  Today's was on the importance of food journaling.  I hate keeping food journals.  I keep the one on the site because 1) I get points for it to complete the challenge and 2) because no one reads it anyway.  What's the point of me keeping up with how many times I've screwed up or having someone tell me that I should have eaten one carrot stick instead of two?  It's like I said on our team wall, I pretty much know what food is best for me, but have no idea what a real serving size is.  Let me work on that.

Roomie and I ran errands today and she just HAD to go to McDonald's.  By the grace of God, I chose a salad instead of a burger, fries, and a Coke.

No, she doesn't specifically know about the challenge.  That would be like cutting off my own right hand and slapping myself with it.  But Roommate knew I was trying to get healthy when I moved in.  I told her a while back that the food pushing made it seem like she didn't care.  Her response?, "I think I feel better when you're fat like me."  Bless her heart.

I'm not here to bash her by any means.  Her friendship is a Godsend.  I love her like she's my own grandmother and I wouldn't hurt her for the world.   I just don't know how to get it over to her nicely that no means no and how it feels when she ignores that boundary.  She can make for herself what she wants, but the daily food pushing is wearing me out.

4:30 p.m. - Oh, lawd, a friend of my roommate just came by bearing chili and cake.  #?@!!  If I don't get to the grocery store soon, I'm going to snatch myself baldheaded.  I am sitting in my office eating an apple and crying.  This is insane!

I'm going to my room and stay there until she goes to church so I can make myself a healthy dinner and try to workout.

6:45 p.m. - tried to workout and only got through 1/2 mile of indoor walking.  My hips are in agony.  Perky Girl couldn't even get me to go anymore.  No workout means no dinner for me.

I've already been informed by Roomie that it's burrito night at her church tonight and she's bringing home leftovers.

I'm going to bed.