Author: Dr. Gary Chapman
Info: Text Copyright 2009, Chicago: Northfield Publishing. Audio Copyright 2009: Oasis Audio
Rating (on a scale of 1-4 stars): ✮✮
Where Acquired: Library check out.
Synopsis: Chapman identifies five main love languages spoken by every human: acts of service, words of affirmation, appropriate physical touch, quality time, and gifts. Part of a series of similar books, this volume explores how singles can communicate these love languages with significant people in their lives.
Select Favorite Quotes:
From the introductory interview: Often I think churches are not sensitive to single adults. Now, there is a growing number of churches that are starting single adult ministries, and I'm very encouraged about that. I think that one of the most untapped resources in the local church is single adults. They have great talents. They have great abilities. They often have time, you know, to invest. If the church can tap into that, they can become wonderful vehicles of sharing the love of Christ with others. (09:30)
We are relational creatures. All humans live in community and most people seek social interaction. In Western culture, isolation is seen as one of the most stringent of punishments. Even hardened criminals do not generally aspire to solitary confinement. (28:27)
As humans, we have a fundamental desire to connect with others. We may be in the presence of people all day long, but we do not always feel connected. Physician Albert Schweitzer said, "We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness." (02:11:12)
Tender affirming physical touch is a fundamental language of love....One single young lady said, "It's funny that no one hesitates to touch a baby or pat a strange dog, but here I sit sometimes dying to have someone touch me and no one does." She was then apologetic for letting her own needs be known. She concluded, "I guess that we don't trust letting people know the fact that we all like to be touched because we're afraid that people will misinterpret. So, we sit back in loneliness and physical isolation." (02:31:41)
The Positive:
- Years ago, I was introduced to the five love languages when I read Chapman's The Five Love Languages of Children. It revolutionized the way I taught and related to my preschool students. It made me a better educator. It is true that these love languages are universal and needed by every human being, regardless of marital status.
- I appreciate that the author helps us identify primary and secondary love languages. We need all of the languages, but respond more strongly to some than others. He also stresses the point that we need to take the time and effort to identify the love languages of others to build healthy relationships.
- Chapman gave practical examples not only from the lives of others, but from his own life. He did not distance himself from his work.
- There are no chapter markers in the audio version of the book, so it was difficult to navigate.
- While Chapman asserts that marital status doesn't determine one's need for love, this volume is only directed to singles in the context of finding a potential mate. There's plenty of advice for those who wish to date and eventually marry, single parents, and widows or divorcees looking to remarry. However there's not much help for a single whose life is not wrapped up in finding a spouse.
- Important issues like advice for singles whose primary love language is appropriate physical touch or quality time but do not have a significant other are conspicuously absent.
- Though I agree with Chapman's description of what truly successful marriages look like (except for the part about marriage being "God's answer for humanity's deepest need" (04:26:22), I do not agree that it is for everyone or that dating is the gateway to a good marriage. Despite his flowery descriptions of his interpretation, most dating relationships are not built on honesty and truly learning about each other. From what I have observed, dating is a revealing of one's false self while trying to change the other person. And the goal is not a healthy marriage; it is usually sex.
- While Chapman seems to applaud single adult ministry, from the context of this book, the single adult ministry in his church is nothing more than a hook up service. In other words, they are not growing single adults into loving mature believers whose one lover is Jesus; they are grooming them for marriage. No thank you.
Conclusion:
If you are a single adult who truly believes that marriage is for you, I'd recommend this volume. However, if you are single and finding a man/woman is not the end all of your existence, I'd pass on this one. Like me, you will be left with more questions than answers and be totally emotionally eviscerated and depressed by the end of the book.
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